Salt Lake City - Preparing for Mom's Funeral

Friday, July 8th:

We drove to SCL where we met up with the rest of the family to decide who should speak, sing, read the obituary, etc.  All my life it has been a fear of mine that I would be asked to speak at my parents' funeral.  I have a weak memory.  My brothers tell stories all the time of times from our youth that I was supposedly present at but I either don't remember at all, or don't until they've shared the story.  I'm the worst person when it comes to painting the story of a person's life if I can't hardly even remember MY OWN.

But sure enough, both when mom was living and the subject came up, and as we were gathered at Devan's house to plan the funeral, everyone looked to me.  When Scott passed it off to Devan who passed it off to Levi, I started to feel guilty.  As everyone was talking, memories started to appear in my mind.  Her characteristics flooded in.   Things I suddenly felt would be a shame to not be shared.  And a spark of foreign courage made me say I would do it.  With all that I already had going on, I quickly wondered how on Earth I could do it.  But I knew I needed to.  Devan agreed to share as well at the Salt Lake Funeral and Levi agreed to share at the one in Wasilla.  I would share my same talk at both.

Saturday, July 9th:

The next day we all went shopping, still needing some items for funeral attire.  I had ordered things to be shipped to Maura's house and they arrived Starting that day.  What do you wear to your mother's funeral?  Sackcloth and ashes sounds right.  Certainly black.  But I know she is at peace and is meeting her Savior.  I'm jealous somehow.  I celebrate for her in so many ways beyond my grief.  She made it.  She did it.  She fought courageously and won.  I found the dress in the last store.  Black lace against a gold fabric.  It fit perfectly.

I started thinking about everything I could remember that I hold dear about my mother.  She was an angel to me.  I called her that in college and on my mission and to my husband when I was getting to know him.  I wrote the poem about her for Mothers Day last year, "... My angel without wings..."  I know funeral talks are often so cliché painting the person out to be so perfect.  But she almost was to me.  I mean, on her death bed, her only regret was that she took her renters to court to garnish their Alaska state dividend fund (makes them pay her back when they get their resident check from the state).... because they didn't pay their rent for over a year!!!  It was illegal and unlawful of them and it hurt my parents a great deal financially.  It was beyond fair.  And it bothered her to be so unkind.  She was just a saint.

Levi took a car full of some of the family to the salt flats outside of Salt Lake for photos.  He took this one of Brielle.

Sunday, July 10th (Mom and Dad's Anniversary):

Todd and I took the kids to the Sacrament Mtg of the ward that graciously took on Mom's funeral meal and presiding/ecclesiastical speaking role.  It was my mother's childhood ward.  There were a couple of people there who remembered my mom when she attended this ward as a little girl.  And there were many who remembered my grandparents who attended this ward until they died.  We also visited Temple Square, the Visitors Center, and toured the Conference Center.

I spent much of Sunday going through all the camera chips I had brought to Salt Lake to comb them for pictures of Mom and put them in a file on my lap top.  I asked my siblings and Dad to send me any they had too.  My intent was to make a slide show but it wasn't looking hopeful that I would have enough time. 

Monday, July 11th:

The next day was the last day left before the funeral and the pictures had taken all my time from formally writing my talk.  In the morning, I met up with Dad and Rachele at Devan's house and then carpooled to Sandy where Larkin Funeral home was.  Dad had asked me to dress mom in her temple clothes and for Rachele and I to help pick out mom's gravestone and approve of the program.  It was unreal to note that it wasn't her anymore.  It was a sad wisp of a remnant of her, what was left of her in the end.  They had done a very good job of making her look the best she possibly could.  They let Rachele add to her makeup how we felt she would have worn it. 

I know how thoughtfully both she and her mother folded or ironed their temple clothes with such reverence.  Rachele helped me press her new temple clothes as we removed it all from its packaging.  It was a day we got through by being numb.  There is no other way to explain it. 

The day was half over when we got back and I began panicking about the slide show and even more about my talk.  I was just wishing I hadn't forgotten the large canvas of the family picture I had taken the previous summer- that epic last summer we all had together in Alaska.  I had ordered it on a large canvas to hang above my Mom and Dad's bed.  And it would have been so nice to display at the funeral.  My friends from Fruitland called and said they were about to leave for Salk Lake, the 6-7 hour drive and wondered if there was anything we had forgotten from the house that I'd like them to come and bring.  I was so happy.  They did bring the picture for me.  They called when they were almost to Salt Lake to get directions to the RV park.  It was two friends who had carpooled down with several of their kids who were my kids' age so they invited my kids to go to eat and go swimming at their hotel so they would be entertained and so I could have it quiet to write my talk.  It was heaven sent.  My kids were so excited too.  

I started making some headway with my talk, but not at all fast enough to have hopes for the slide show.

I was feeling very watched over about my kids and the canvas when my two high school best friends showed up, one from Spokane and the other from Portland.  They had met up first at my house and cleaned it with several of my local friends who came with the same idea.  Then the two carpooled to Salt Lake and were almost there when they called for directions to the RV park.  My heart was so overflowing with love and support from all of my friends.  They came asking what they could do to help and I knew that they wanted to be put to work.  I mentioned the slide show and they immediately began downloading the pictures everyone had emailed and adding them to my file.  They then sent them to a local Costco for overnight developing and left for the store to buy string and mini clothes pins.  It was an immense load off my that I literally felt lighter for to know they would handle it all and I knew it would look nice.

I wrote my talk well into the evening and finished close to midnight.  When I was almost finished- literally writing the last one or two sentences the Word Program froze.  Every single other time this has ever happened to me, and it's happen often with my slow lap top, the document is gone.  It wont un-freeze and I have to close out the document un-saved.  I was horrified.  It took me so many hours!  And the talk was LONG.  I couldn't just re-write it!  And certainly not if I wanted to get ANY sleep.  I stared at the screen for 5 minutes.  10 minutes.  20 minutes.  At 30 minutes I gave up almost all hope.  There was nothing I could but watch the little "thinking" wheel spin and spin ...or pray.  I went back into bedroom of the motorhome leaving Todd to watch the spinning wheel.  I knelt down and begged that God would let my mom do one more miracle for me- save my talk, PLEASE.  I then said, "In the name of Jesus Christ..." and in the very fraction of a second that I said, "amen.", Todd shouted, "It's back!!!"  The document had loaded in such a perfectly timed, precise moment that I could only be the world's worst cynic and ignore it or know without a doubt  that my mom wanted me to know she was there.  That moment was worth the 30 minutes stress it took to make her point while I worried all was lost.  I felt her love warm my whole soul.  I poured my heart out in a prayer of gratitude, wrote my two sentences, and emailed it to myself AND Todd for good measure, and went to bed.