Back to Alaska to See Mom

I had felt from the very beginning that, though everything was in God's hands and would be OK somehow, Mom was not going to beat this.  I have learned that being OK and getting my way are not the same thing.  I struggled with that notion in a life or death context knowing hope for a miracle should still never be abandoned.  I also struggled feeling lonely in those premonitions knowing other family members would not be ready to accept defeat of this disease until it was so obvious that it would be too late to do some things to gain closure with Mom.  The final decline just happens so fast.  Having the knowledge and influence that owning a hospice has provided, I knew each step before it came.  I longed to be with Mom and ask her the questions that would help me get to know her better.  But I worried I might upset someone or anyone for doing so where the Doctors had given no indication that end of life was eminent. 

I have lived exactly half of my life painstaking far from my mother.  Everyone else married late or was still young and fresh from the coop or living at home.  They all knew her so much better than I did.  When I lived at home, she was mothering 6 other children and was always so very busy with that.  I didn't have the friendship with her that Marty and April have.  I didn't have the time with her that Scott and Devan have had.  I didn't have the charming, playful relationship that Levi and Rachele have.  I feel so much regret for having moved away, though I know it was the right path for me.  It's been so hard to be so far and now I'll never get the second chance to buy back time and spend these future years making it up to her.  Mom will never get to come for big chunks of time and be an empty nester Grandmother to my children.  I'll never know all her culinary, gardening, and sewing secrets I opted out on learning as a child.  I had better things to do back then like hang with my friends and go on dates.  I'll never see her in one of her community plays or choir performances.  She'll never see me in mine.  We'll never get to go on one of those spontaneous last minute discount cruises she's been inviting me to join her on with Dad, but we've always had a trip long since planned with Todd's family each time she's brought it up.

10 days went by.  Then Mom found out (yesterday) that her cancer had metastasized.  My siblings all felt a desire to be with Mom and give her love and support upon hearing her news.  They all either bought tickets or other siblings and I helped them buy tickets and most of them arrive the next day.  I knew this reunion was crucial for Mom- and for all of us, and I was so excited to see my siblings as well and lean on each other through all of this.  Still, I couldn't help feeling a sense of intense loss as my one opportunity to be alone with Mom was now gone.  Most of them flew in before me.  And some would still be there when I left.

My red-eye flight was nearly empty and I had many full rows to myself to choose from.  I was so grateful for that.  I don't do well with the slightest loss in sleep.

It was wonderful to be with my awesome family for over a week.
I love them all so much!!!

Mom getting her head shaved.

Mom with a visitor's puppy.

Mom had a round of chemo while we were there.  The steroid they inject with it always makes her get a little wind in her sails and she chose to use it to join us at the Theater to see the new movie, "Jungle Book".

Marty, outside the theater:

We all did a puzzle with Mom

I thought it was appropriate: The Vaughn Trapp Family from the Sound of Music

There was a lot of this:

The guys got out to work on the property, trenching for electrical and milling the hard wood floors from birch trees.

We were all there the week before Dad's Birthday.  Mom didn't really ever get out of her recliner much by this point, except to hobble downstairs and lay down on the sofa to watch a movie.  So we gave Dad an early Birthday celebration and had Mom tell us how to make his favorite meal.  Mom rarely used recipes, including on her delicious lasagna.  So I even face-timed her, though we could hear each other perfectly, so she could see the consistency of the sauce and seasonings and guide me accordingly.  I recorded it for the family to have.

This was the recipe she always made Dad for his Birthday cake, taken from the big red and white checkered Betty Crocker cookbook. 

On Rachele's last night there we invited friends over for a Foster-style Jam Session.  Everyone could sing along and make requests.

On one of my last nights there I went through the daunting box of pictures.  Over all the years as a family and until the iPhone found its way into our hands, all the pictures ever taken were developed and tossed randomly into this box.  I sorted them all, which now seemed like fun because I got to look back and see every picture in the box and reminisce.  I made a pile for each family member and a pile that was of the whole family.  The intention being to upload them all to digital files pre-sorted to give each person their files of their pics and then give them all to Dad in a combined album.

I saw some gems in there like these:

Steph, Sara, and I on the front row from left to right with a lot of women I know and love!

Steph, Sara, Ada, and I (left to right).

This was our week long canoe trip for my first Young Womens camp.  My mom was the brave Young Womens president who put that camp together with the help of my dad.

I think this is everyone's favorite family picture.  Except for the ones who weren't born yet, of course.  Only makes sense :)

And this of Mom and I.  I'm trying a pickle.  I love her.

Mom was looking for something to watch on TV earlier this year and I mentioned this series that Todd and I had just started.  It quickly became her favorite as it was mine!  So we watched a lot of episodes together on this trip when she was too tired to talk and interact, but didn't want to sleep.

April had Mormon Prom coming up and wanted to wear a dress that needed hemmed up a few inches for her to wear no-heeled shoes for her shorter date.  Mom showed me how to pin it so I could do that for her, but as she was losing energy quickly, she whipped out the sewing herself so she could get to bed.

I didn't get many opportunities to have those quality one on one conversations I had wanted to have with Mom.  I had a huge list of questions to ask.  I snuck a few of them in every day conversation here and there.  My brothers knew what I had hoped to accomplish on the trip and tried to provide an opportunity to be alone with Mom but her steam didn't last long.  And I knew the questions made her sad to know I was asking in fear of her not making it.  Deep down, she knew how this story would end for her.  But even she couldn't say much for fear of hurting the hopes and tender hearts of the rest.  Throughout the week, if she wasn't too tired, she was surrounded by light hearted conversation, beautiful live music, and lots of loved ones.  Which is how it should be.  It is what it is.  Don't wait to build strong foundations with your loved ones.  Spend quality time with them now.  It's not a test you can cram for.  TIME is a fleeting privilege.

These were pictures of April at her regular Prom not long after:

Rachele left the soonest in order to make it to her scheduled neck surgery- second one.  High hopes for improved pain for her!  I will be heading home in time to pick her and her little daughter, Myla up and take them to my house once her husband has to go back to work from taking care of her.  Rachele can't lift anything- including her daughter for the first 3 weeks after surgery, so I'm more helping with Myla more than Rachele.  It will be so much fun!