Letting Go.

Conference weekend was a blur.  I'll post the events we participated in after this post.  I had the miscarriage that weekend, at least I thought I did.  It was induced.  My doctor said my hormone levels and the state my body was in made her feel like it could be a long wait for the miscarriage and knowing about it and waiting was just more than I could handle.  That day was a long hard day.  No fun for sure.  I loved the talks I was able to hear- all of the Sunday morning session and a few other talks from other sessions were hit and miss.  

Conference was wonderful, but overall, the weekend left me feeling sad and feeling like I'd lost 2 and a half months of my life.  I felt icky.  I looked icky (to me), and started to feel a more broad meaning to the loss I had experienced.  Two of Todd's siblings announced that they were expecting.  We would have all been due within 3 weeks of each other.  I suddenly felt incredibly dis-invited to a party.  And would be lying if I said I wasn't a little depressed about the whole turn of events in my life.  Things didn't improve very quickly following the miscarriage, in fact, with only a few days' intermission, things just went downhill from there.

My birthday is also Brielle's birthday, I'll post pics of that in the next post.  I made sure it was good for her.  But I started to feel a little worse physically, and hormonally, every day.  My hormone levels were NOT right.  My body and my emotions were not normal.  I didn't know what normal was for the aftermath of a miscarriage.  So I didn't know that I should have called my Dr. sooner. 

Tender mercies were the thoughtfulness of my friends.  I received lots of flowers and cards.  I received many thoughtful e-mails that week.  Home made bread, cookies, meals, being invited to dinner at a friend's house.  Many gifts including a very generous gift card for a day at the spa from my friends that do CrossFit at the house with me.  All the comments and e-mails on facebook.  My best friends took me out to lunch.  One of my best friends from out of town showed up on my door step surprising me for an overnight visit while on her way home from a road trip.  (She had planned that with Todd.)  If ever I had wondered if I was cared about, my questions could all be put to rest.  I am incredibly grateful for it all.  It made me sit back and realize that my life is filled with so many wonderful, incredible, caring and generous people.  It is one of the greatest blessings I enjoy.  It all just made me feel so good and I needed that.

This is Sara and I.  She's the one who visited me on her way home from out of town.  We have a girls getaway planned next month with our missing friend from the musketeer trio, Stephanie.  Or maybe we're three amigos.  Amigas.  Whatever it is, it's awesome :)

This is us with the kids at our local frozen yogurt parlor, Kiwi Loco.

I love shopping with Sara.  She teaches me how to dress, not really intentionally.  She is always just so cute and classy!  I was in a dress in this picture because we were both about to head out the door- she was about to leave for home (Spokane) and Todd and I were headed to a funeral.  He actually spoke at it- the grandmother of one of his best friends growing up passed away and Todd was asked to share some remarks on her and on the gospel perspective.  To say he was intimidated or humbled would be an understatement.  But everyone said he did really well.
He had us laughing and crying.  

Here is the group of friends that took me to lunch for my birthday.  We asked the WRONG lady to take the picture.  It was fairly comical how many times I had to check her shot and trouble her to take it again only doing this differently or that differently.  I even ended up positioning the camera on a table near us with all the right settings so ALL she had to do was press the button!  But she kept pushing it so hard the camera would move (a lot) and make a blurry picture.  So anyway, I had to share them all on here for my friends to see WHY I asked her SO many times to re-take it!  We never actually got a perfect picture, but it got too obnoxious.  And I'll take what I can get.  

Here are the bloopers:

This was the best one we got.

May will be a month of girl time...  because I also have a weekend away planned together with these friends that month!  I'm looking forward to it all.  And I'm grateful for a husband who not only "lets" me do these things, but encourages me to have that time with my friends. 

All this love and kindness kept me going for a rougher next few days.  We had two of Todd's brothers and their wives over for a movie on the projector Wednesday, the 11th.  I felt things intensify the day or two before, and it especially amped up during the movie that night.  I sat in the back massaging my legs and hips, feeling more and more awful.  I had thought it was the usual misery of having done a harder workout than normal, at first.  Or the cake and goodies from all the birthdays and Easter upsetting my stomach.  But after midnight I finally called my doctor who was very concerned that this was still the miscarriage, that things had lasted this long and that I had lost too much blood.

She sent me to the ER in Ontario where I was most of the night.  Then I spent much of the next day at the Dr's. office in Boise doing an ultrasound and blood work, and waiting to see how my body was handling things.  They suggested I stay the night in town in case I lost too much blood again.  I started to feel some improvement in the evening so I went home.  By the next morning, the day I was scheduled to do a minor surgery (a D&C) to end it all, things finally started to normalize.  I was exhausted.  I was glad to not need any further medical attention.  It's hard enough being miserable without the extra poking and prodding and waiting and, heaven forbid, anesthesia.  

I have another Dr. apt. this week to make sure things actually normalized, but I think they have.  I finally feel like it's over.  I still don't feel myself, but my hormone levels actually feel like they are starting to slowly improve.  I'm a huge believer that our bodies find a way to manifest what our emotions harbor and I wonder if that had any affect on this situation.  I SO didn't want to let go of this pregnancy.  Everything about it was perfect- exactly as I would have it be.  The timing, the high energy, feeling in control with it, etc.  And it just would have been even better as friends and family members started popping up pregnant.  I doubt any good mother wants to let go of a pregnancy.  But I wonder if that played a part here for me. For whatever reason my body did NOT want to let go.  A miscarriage should only last a day or two.  My body fought it hard for almost two weeks.  

Now I just need to accept that I have little to show for it all.  A few extra pounds, a renewed ache in my hip, decreased strength, a TON of inflammation.  But I did gain an even greater appreciation for the power of friendship.  And I gained a stronger faith in life being out of our hands- a greater trust in the Lord's hands.  That does comfort me as I just accept it.  I think I've finally let go of the things that I held onto.